Day 22 - OCD is a CHOICE?! Living the Decision to Stop

8:29 PM




               What I have observed that I require self-support with is how to walk through temptation at ‘decision-making time’. Let me elaborate: I have noticed that I can now see the moments when the thoughts pop up that I should pick my skin, and in those moments, I can make a choice. This is incredibly empowering and encouraging, as this has been exactly what I have been working towards developing for a long time through this process. Before, my OCD was so automatic that it would seem like one moment I’m fine, and the next I’m already involved in the compulsion which, when I snap out of it, I can’t really remember when I started or how it progressed.
            I’m not sure if I have significantly slowed down within myself due to having walked this process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, or if the moment the thought pops up is more intense and exaggerated, and therefore more noticeable. I’m certain that I have created more awareness and insight into myself within and through this process, however at the same time, I’ve noticed I have become very busy with a full-time job and all of life’s responsibilities, that I simply don’t have time for OCD, causing it to be more noticeable and problematic. Regardless, I doubt if it’s either one or the other, and see it as more a combination of the two, wherein, my life circumstance has created an opportunity for me where I can now apply the tools and skills I have taught myself through the Desteni process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t have the choice to participate in OCD or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the onl way I can get through is to submit to OCD.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that I can only let go and release the tension and anxiety within me if I pick my skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it won’t go away if I don’t subject myself to perform the obsessive compulsions that seem to ‘pop up’ in my mind every time I feel fear/anger/stress/anxiety or frustration.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking the self-responsibility to direct my fear, anger, anxiety, stress or frustration, and instead to avoid it and suppress it through participating in OCD and skin-picking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore that fact that I have proven to myself that I am in fact able to diffuse the energy build up through breathing, stabilizing myself, and moving myself in a moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  not realize that, in these moments of decision, if I give the disorder an inch, it will take a mile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fact that in these moments of decision, it’s ALL or NOTHING, and the apparent ‘threat’ of losing my precious disorder, is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my own empowerment in absolute fear and petrification, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am looking forward to is freedom from something that has been enslaving me for most of my life, and that it is not scary and I will not be lost and it wont be horrible, because I can and will just be myself, and be able to discover myself and who I am beneath the disorder that has been covering me up and keeping me in for so long.
To be continued….
If you would like to  teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching one discernment when it come to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct it to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom.
 
 
 

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