Day 43 - In this Moment, I Changed
8:10 PM
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I just read a blog I had written in
2013, 3 years ago, and I was struck at how much I have changed since then. It’s
funny how we can forget how much we have changed over time because it tends to
happen quite slowly, and it’s cool to blog and document progress because it
produces moments like these. Here is the blog, and at the end I will give an
update on how I am doing now:
"I’ve noticed that while on my way to work, regardless
of what time it is, I will become anxious about getting to there on time. I have
been late to work SO MANY times because of OCD and skin-picking, because I
would become trapped within a skin picking session up till the last minute, and
then I would have to hurriedly apply make-up to look ‘normal’ again for work.
Throughout this entire play-out I would be building and generating anxiety
until I was tightly wound up; and this would be the starting point of my day.
This has happened so many times over the years that I find, even when I am not
late I will automatically go into this
anxiety before work as a habit because it’s what I’m so used to. It’s become
all that I know. I feel as though, if I do not go through these motions I will
not be able to get to work at all, because in the past, it has been the anxiety
of getting to work that has broken me out of the skin-picking possession and
got me moving towards actually getting out the door. So now there exists the
belief that without the anxiety, I cannot move myself, and I won’t get to work.
Continuing with this common sequence: after I would get
myself out the door and off to work, I would be in a really unpleasant state. I
would get to work, and would probably have an air about me, or a presence about
me that others may react to. Whether I did or not, I can never be sure, but
what is certain, is the fact that because I felt so anxious already, and because
I would also feel insecure due to the fact that my picture presentation was
covered in flaws, and because I created and manifested the anger at myself, the
fear, the self-loathing caused by picking, I would reflect it back to myself
off of my coworkers.
For example: one day as I arrived to work, and as I was
walking by a couple co-workers I said “good morning”. One of them looked at me
and replied, but the other one just looked at me and turned away and began
talking again. As I continued walking to put my coat away I remember this
having given me a really bad feeling, I felt like they disliked me, did don’t
want me there, and painfully endured my presence.
So the interesting thing about this is that these thoughts or
emotions can only be experienced by me if I created them already- somewhere in
my life I accepted and allowed myself to feel these ways about myself, ways
which are now activated within and through certain situations. So, within
self-honesty I can see, realize and understand that I in fact painfully endure
my own presence at times, especially within and as OCD. I dislike myself when I
participate in the self-abusive habits that I participate in. I in fact don’t
want to be me when I feel the way I do after I have had a pick session, for
example.
I thought about this that day, and I tried something new to
see if they were in fact feeling this way about me, or if I was simply creating
it all in my mind. I walked back over there and asked how they were doing, and
the other one ignored me again. So I pushed through the fear, self-consciousness
and anger, looked straight at her and asked if something was wrong. This seemed
to surprise her or catch her off guard, she sort of snapped out of it and apologized.
She actually reached out and touched my arm, and participated in a very warm
and welcoming interaction.
As it turned out, she was dealing with an extremely stressful
situation within one of her work-cases, and she was trying to figure it out
with the other co-worker. She was just completely wrapped up in it, and had
probably worked herself up into a state where she was so self-involved in her
own situation that she was not concerned or aware of the impression she was
giving off to others- which is the exact same way that I become. So when I
pushed it a little by asking her if anything was wrong, I learned it had
nothing to do with me at all. I had just been taking everything personally, and
consequently feeding my own cycles of self-loathing, insecurity and lack of
self-acceptance.
Within the state of mind I enter into within and through the disorder of OCD, I become even more prone to these self-experiences, by taking so many things throughout my day personally because I set myself up to already feel this way: so a glance, a comment, my own internal conversations, etc… using all of this to accept and allow myself to feel terrible; creating and manifesting an absolutely dreadful internal experience, and then getting home to abuse myself within OCD as a release and escape from it, only to start the whole cycle over again- waking up the next morning and not wanting to face the day ahead. Reluctant to get out of bed, and feeling fatigued on my drive to work because of this absolute reluctance and the anxiety that I create for myself—I mean, is this living? Or is this simply enduring the day? Within and through OCD, I create a life which that I can’t endure and which I would rather escape, but I see now that with a little awareness, I can stop a LOT of the experiences by pushing through the situations I create for myself, simply by using common sense and pushing through a small wall of emotion."
So how am I doing now? In the mornings, I have a routine that does not include OCD or skin picking. If I slip, it is very minimal, I can get out of it and move on to the next point quite easily or fluidly. I am more aware.
When I look at
how I arrive at work now I can see that it puts me in a good mood (sometimes a
little distracting as I enjoy my co-workers so much that I have to pull myself
away and focus on working). I do say hello to everyone, even at times going
around to people that sit further away to make a connection and ‘check-in’.
I really like this and the dynamic it creates between us.
I laugh a lot with my co-workers and
generally have a pretty good time, even spending time together outside of work
(and have gone on two vacations with co-workers). I would say the relationships
I have at work are worthwhile, deeper that I have been used to, but have a
light, easy-going feel to them. I am so glad I walked this point, and it is
cool to see one of the first moments where it started 3 years ago.
So what am I reflecting to myself now within my experience around others? I would say a lot more self-acceptance and self-appreciation. It is to the point where I am now pushing more self-expression, to express me and get to know myself as who I am when I am not constantly judging me and looking at my flaws.
This is how the process works, one
moment at a time, which accumulates into many moments and then just becomes a
way of living. This is how we can create a life worth living for ourselves. Not
just with getting along well at work, but within realizing that we are the
creators of our own lives, starting with the small, and working to the great.
My one condition is that the life I create will be one where I value, respect
and honour all Life in my living application, and live according to principle,
such as giving as I would like to receive, and doing what’s best for everyone,
not just me.
The tools I have used to work towards self-change can be explored by looking at the following links:
SOUL –
The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people
interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime
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