Day 21 - OCD: My Extremely Large and Incredibly Small Victories
8:06 PM
Self-forgiveness is the same as
making the statement that although there are many contributing factors to the
development of a disorder such as OCD (derma, trich, germaphobia etc…), within
forgiving myself, I am standing up a taking on that responsibility in its
entirety. I am stating that I alone exist within my body, and so I alone, with
all the support I can get, am taking responsibility for my own healing and
recovery. I am mostly using self-forgiveness to bring myself out of my mind,
and to stop the internal conversations, thoughts and reactions that cause the
emotional build up inside of me throughout the day, among other things.
Even though we are in fact alone
within ourselves, it is always recommended to open oneself up to all the assistance
and support we can get, keeping in mind the fine line between being supported
and developing a dependence. Remember self-responsibility, no one can do this
for us. Seeking and utilizing support is not the same as having someone or
something else do it for you – because that is impossible, no one else can ‘fix’
you for you.. Support is guidance, it’s someone challenging you or pointing
things out you may not have realized. It’s someone talking some sense into you
when you are unbalanced and lost in emotions/feelings. It can be someone there
to encourage you and push you when you face a fear, or to simply be there to
listen to you and show you practical solutions you may not have seen or
realized yourself.
Interestingly, within some of the
best support I have received, I have found the things I need to hear most are
the hardest things to hear. If someone were to say “you need to start taking
this more seriously and apply yourself more,” for example, I might get
incredibly defensive! I have argued about how much I do already and how hard it
is for me, and that they don’t understand what it is I deal with on a daily
basis. But what I’ve learned is that this is what’s called ‘arguing for your
limitations’, wherein you find yourself actually arguing and building a defense
for why you shouldn’t try harder, you can’t do more, you’re stuck and the
situation is unchangeable. This is obviously complete self-sabotage, and sets us
up for certain failure. It is in fact a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if
you’re starting point is: ‘I can’t do this,’ then everything that flows from
it, and from you, in terms of your actions, words, choices and decisions etc…
will only ever end up confirming your starting point. What I have experienced
is that there comes a time and a point within this process where you realize
what you’re doing, because nothing is working and nothing is changing, and the
same pattern just keeps on repeating itself. This is the time and the point I
reached where I just had to suck it up and say ‘ok, it is time to actually apply
myself for real. I started by finding a new starting point, one based in the
statement “I am Here to assist and support myself do whatever it takes to
overcome this.”
Unfortunately, it is not so simple as
making a statement. When I am told things that might indicate I actually have
to change and step up my application, I react defensively. Not only with
OCD/derma, but with anything that I wanted to improve, such as keeping things
tidier at home and applying myself at work. The defensiveness I feel is
covering up the fact that I am fearful. I am terrified of letting go of my
current way of being and doing. I am scared of my perception of what the change
will be like. I am fearful of losing a part of me and of my identity. It may
seem strange, but I’ve discussed this reaction in past blogs, and will go into
in more detail in the near future. For now, I see it as a good sign. I see it
as a sign that I am building myself up, my stance, my application, my self-will
and my self-directive principle, and the disorder is actually feeling
threatened. Please read this blog, (and check out some of the others in the series) to
understand some dimensions of The Fear of Not Having OCD/derma to depend on.
If you would like to teach yourself how to find the answer to yourself within yourself, check out DIP Lite, a free online course. I have found this course amazingly supportive, teaching one discernment when it come to what we accept and allow to go on in our minds, and how to direct it to where we want it to be. Did I mention it's free? Give it a try cause there is nothing to lose, and join in the walk to freedom. 
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